Saturday Night Fettish

A revamped blog...hee. Somehow this computer is strange. I shall reblog when I get home.

Well...poof...now I am home. Woke up with lazy eyes this morning. Was suppossed to meet pang earlier but I decided to have lunch with my parents first. Then I went to extend my passport at ICA. The queue seemed astonishing at first. 258 people before me. However, it soon occured to me that the service was highly efficient and I got my ass off ICA within an hour. So I headed towards chinatown to settle stuff foe my trip. Slashed $500 from my OCBC account. Gosh....that means I have ZERO savings for the month of April. Initially, I thought I could save some $400 this month cos my spendings were strictly limited to under 70 per week. Seems like all efforts wasted.But never mind, it feels kinda great to happily spend what you earn. Afterall, life isn't all about how much assests and money you have. Its about all your experience and meaningful events that highlight your life.

It had been a terribly busy week and so today was a breather for me at last. Went to town after that where we all played pool. And then ben and wong were shopping around for some mothers day present. It then dawn on me that mother's day is next weekend.Yes!heng ah, I SOL. Had a rather nice dinner of sambal dory fish fillet. I can go on eating it forever I guess. Its just so delicious.

On my way to my grandparent's house, I had a wonderful opportunity for networking at a newly opened restaurant. Damn, I should have made myself some name cards. Its all about making connections when the opportunity knocks. Wasted. But its ok...I have all the time in the world.

Haiz...my mother is damn irritating. Keep barging into my room. WTF.

...some nice music and some freetime had me getting in touch with the emotional side of me. Was rather sad.Haiz......nevermind.Sad also no use. Might as well be happy over the fact that I am gonna have hell of a good time for the next week and weeks. yeah yeah!

......................................sad.

Arrrggg

It will take a connection between minds to elaborate how I am feeling now. All terrible. I wish I just book in now and start my SOL right off for 14 days. Book out for my FTT just in time at least. Gosh. I wonder how much more of this I have to endure before my night comes to a shady end with my pseudo sleeptime. Pseudo, because no one knows when on earth my mother will just bam her way into my room and disturb the peace. Its time I start to think. Do parents barge into their childs room in the deep of the night and wake them up with verbal trash? Yes, I am indirectly saying that she speask trash. I have got a tonne more stuff to write here in this blog but it seems like SOP that my mom dominates the beginning of almost every friday night blog. Well, I spent like half an hour blogging in INET yesterday but like all times, the bloody comp just had to hang on me when I click the publish button.
All seems wrong this week. From last sunday, things have been climing towards a FUCKEDUP situation which kinda climaxed on WED. Sunday had mark coming to my house to watch Hotel Rwanda. It was a great movie no doubt. The way they portray the tutsi rebels with heroic ethics was simply skillful. It was artistically romantic. Teck Chew wanted to meet for dinner so the 3 of us spent some time talking cock in BK. That leads me to remember that my tongue is still hurting badly cos I bit my tongue so hard last sunday it was bleeding quite badly. Warning everyone. Never ever speak bad of anybody when you are eating. Consequences...well...ouch my tongue. The night carried on with watching I do I do again and Chew spent the night over at my place. Slept at like 230 and still managed to wake up for book in at 6 the next morning.

Tuesday. Doomsday.

Nick Pang had to settle his 4NTM vehicle so I willingly took over his duty as COS. Helping someone da duty isn't much of a chore really. Afterall, we gotta learn to help each other right? There is no such thing as being selfish in this world. Guess that was a blessing in disguise. I should have just been a goody two shoe COS and read newspaper in the office. Well, the office aircon was spoilt in the morning and there were hell lot of stupid errands landing on me in the morning so I made the decision to go wash my vehicle as well. Bad move. I was COS, but I went to wash my BX and got all muddy and wet. Got my boots all soaked. Went to dig mud slum and clear the washing bay of mud. Sounds like banglah work? Neh. And while I was getting my vehicle back into my parking lot, it happened. No rear guide...well, who uses a rear guide!? My vehicle, my cage, collision. Typical story. The worst part about it all was that those bloody glory regulars simply had fucking nothing to do. For no reasons, they just had to gather round like it was a major crime scene and announce it at the top of their volume to the whole world. It seemed very much an extreme case of xia lan. And it was only a minor collision. My basket was dented all along. The concrete on the cage structure was so thin I could use a hammer to wack out the same kind of cracks. Still, the had to blow it up. FUCKERS.

Wednesday. Climax.

Tuesday sounds bad? Well, I got through it and informed my PC and PS. I had plaster with me and so I liased with Dy S4 to allow me to mend the thing back while I skip the statement. I went to the "Crime Scene" again and saw that it was only a 5-10 minutes work. Went on to check my OVM. To my horror, I realised: The bloody FMT broke open my vehicle to check my turret system. Thats ok. Whats no, they left it open. And I had at least 50 K worth of OVM in my vehicle. They left it open to be raped. I wonder how many people actually went up and down and into my vehicle happily taking pictures to blow up the accident during CO conference. I had all 3 track guides missing, my slave cable gone, my GPMG pintle no where to be found. What worst nightmare can happen to a VC!!!!! I swear to Kelvin that if I happen to go to the shed a tad earlier and saw those fuckers poking their nose around my vehicle, I would have put my sledge hammer and machete(parang in a civilised english) to good use. Regulars. Spit. If ever the red button is pressed, I will shoot this fuckers with my 40AGL and 50HMG personally. Try to imagine how much my blood was boiling and how fucked up my heart was. It seemed that bad things just keep rolling in.
With CO conference over, OC called for a commander's meeting and I knew I was in for it. Remember all the photos? I ain't sore here. This is what my PS said. These people cuch as fucking Cpt Ivan, they ain't gonna survive anymore years in the army if they don't blow up nifty trivias to lick CO's boot. If I had a camera 2 weeks back, I would have captured how warrant yan destroyed an idler wheel with a 'repair method' in breech of TSR. And how did ITF(Ivan The Fuck) cover it all, TSR.
Well, gotta take responsibilities for my actions afterall. I ought to have a rear guide while reversing. I didn't. It was a decision I made and now that things happened, I gotta face the music. Nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide from. Its my fault, I accept my punishment. Not because it will aid some career sluts but because I am responsible for my own actions. With dead firm eyes, I yes sir yes sir to OC's words "You will be punished. I will charge you." Ok. Home is much a worst place afterall. You who have been keeping in tune with this blog here should know. But still, I felt terribly guilty. Having been a commander for six months, I know its never easy for one to punish his surbordinates. It never feels good. I don't know how OC felt then but I believe he didn't feel good at all. Who would want such things to happen. And worst of all, PC and PS who have been rather nice to me got screwed by OC...because of me.Guilty. Years back when read To Kill A Mockingbird, I learnt one thing. When you respect someone, you will want to leave the best impression. You would not want to disappoint him. You will not want him to ever get sad or angry about you. Such is the case. Cpt Casey is a respectable officer. One among few.Fucking few. So... soon I will be reporting to DO every few hours. Damn bad on my reputation as a commander. Bad on my pride as well wor. Haiz.
Hey hey. This didn't end Wed you know. I carried on desparately to look for my OVM and found that Glory specs were responsible for stealing my GPMG pintle. Whats wrong with them!? And my slave cable? All this crashing down on me in one day really gave me hell lot of a depressed mood. The SOL by then had became the least of my worries. And to top it up, my mother had to call me at night and asking about stupid things. As if I have not got enough trouble to haldle.Haiz. I felt rotten to the core.

Thursday turned out better but the man were really trouble makers with their ill attitude. And Noel Chia, haha cockster. Demanded me to clear the SOC ground of man so that he could cheat. Do you all get my point here. SAF regulars, well...the majority of them... are useless. Useless. In actual fact, I guess a hell lot of them would have been dismissed because they can't clear SOC IPPT. Bloody maggots. They can't be bother with their personal attitude as the soldier and they want to sign on? And they want to push their weight around? And what, NOEL being among the top 4 armour specs? Haha, I spat at him on the SOC ground. Regulars! NEH!

Friday was not bad except for the fact that I was slower than my fellow 40/50 friends from other companies. Didn't do my company proud. Infact, I felt rather sorry for the disappointed look on my men's face.

Wah...seh...what a long blog entry. Doubt anyone will read the full thing. I still got stuff to do and its already 1 plus. Looking forward to a bangkok trip. Gotta go type some stuff for my new biz idea. haha. Thats all, folks.

Visionage

Off with an early start. Kinda dragged myself out of bed early at 7a.m.. Had a typical breakfast of egg and bread before I had my driving lesson. Was quite sian and tired today which explained my initial ill driving. Couldn't even park the car well. Had no problems with parking the first time I did it. Should be quite familiar with it now but somehow I just couldn't get it right.Nah...who cares. Came home before anyone wake up so it was some quiet time for me. Went into some action with my new business plan.Hmm...Well just for fun, to kill time you see. And then it was up to me to solve the trojan horse problem on MSN. Well, lirui helped me quite alot help. Now I have got two antivirus software running simultaneously.

Went for lunch an Mayim at westmall. Been wanting to check out that restaurant cos my friends have told me about a chio bu working there. Well...yeah yeah...enjoyable meal. Haha. Somemore my type. *smirk on my face* Went shopping for cocktail ingredients again. I guess I am kinda well stock up on non-alcoholic ingredients. Mini bar should be up soon as I get a rack and a small table into my room. Tried to coax janice into buying southern comfort for me...wonder if she would. There wasn't much of a conversation online so I went to my parents room(one in a very long time) to watch vcd. Thats minus the comfort of my room's sofa but still, yup it was quite a pleasure watching I do I do.

Takeaway:

Sharon Au:Name?
Mark Lee: Ah ong
s: ah ong dia yi long
m: si ah ong finance. wu register one ok its ah ong finance, I got register one ok
s: orh orh.
m: kua kua cross cross-the cheque
s:orh orh
m: lim beh wu tak cheh eh ok. cao cao bum wu A level. Ang mo geai A1 eh. I have got A Level background. GP A1. Don't joke around.

That loan shark reminds me of the chiberlised beng much characterised by Wong and me.Hmm.. They should make Hokkien a third language in SLP (special language program)schools and give scholarships to study hokkien in Xiamen. Afterall its also chinese culture what. I think can have Hokkien literature as well. Like the CLit offered in schools.

Singapore ren kou wu si ba ban. Kao ji bua si da boh. chun neng ba ban si za bor. Ji bua shi lao eh ga sueh eh.Chun ji ba ban. Ji bua si gao yin liao. Chun gor zhap ban. gor eh wu ji eh si sui eh. SangApor cao cao bun wu zhap gui ban eh qui za bor. An zua bo ji eh si wa eh za bor peng you.

~ti gong bo bi~

Haha.Hokkien in blog...hmm...thats a first. I think next time when I ord and go to uni, I will go and make ang gong. Drive car to school come out wear singlet and shorts. Go run with ang gong on my back. Haha. One times AA.

Went to watch Coach Carter with Reuben and his friends as well. Such inspiring shows are never a waste of time. Don't want to spoil the movie here. Go on, catch it. Its worth it.

~I came to teach boys. And you became man~

FuckedUp Theory

I was feeling all ok the entire day. Thats despite the fact that I spent an entire afternoon trying to get rid of the trojan horse that was haunting my MSN Messenger. And then Wong and I were talking about our life from where the fucked up theory arised. Eversince that conversation, I have been feeling-Fucked. I don't want to grow old and fat and end up as a lau kok kok!!!!

My eyes are actually drooping right now as my fingers inch their way around the keyboard. The ride home on 77 was sending me to slumberland and I thought the fisrt thing I would do when I get back is reach for my bed. But as usual, here I am. Somehow 77 sends me back in time, for a peek into beautiful memories. Well, I am too tired to talk about that now. Writing about such stuff requires much Neuro-energy you know? With reference to sleep, I realised last night that my bed and pillow is actually heavenly and they sent me to paradise real soon. Its just soooo comfortable. Must be because I have been sleeping standing and with CVC on far too often this days. Well, my bed......yeah....
~Tired~

Guess I almost got my first extra since enlistment. 2LT Wong wanted to give me 1 times gao lat(you know the black thing that needs to be roasted, $1/packet), end up he gave me one times scarlett o'hara. Haha. His house is always a nice place to hang around.

I then went to town at 9pm to meet 31A and 33A. Haha. was late in punishment for 1A not manning his handphone while sleeping. Haha, 1A has been desperately trying to get rid of the trojan from his MSN as well but well, yours truly who didn't give up trying manage to get rid of it first. Applause!!

Well, tried to get janice out for dinner today actually but she had a past competition dinner so well like all times, suck thumb and be nice. I wonder why everyone gets to tour europe. Why why why am I stuck in kranji camp!!! Hope she helps me buy cointreau but I doubt she will do so. Where got so nice to me. Pray Pray. I want my liquor....pls......haiz...she doesn't even read this. Or well, which kind soul out here will help me, if not buy me, cointreau, southern comfort, smirmorff, absolute citron, chivas, vodka. Not alot what...

Hmm, I believe its time I pay Ikea a visit. My dad just told me to get rid of the bottles from the dining table and put them in my room. Guess I will add a collection for a mini bar in my room. Haha. Someone buy me original art to put on my wall please....*smirk on my face*

Gosh, its already one and I have got driving at 0800 tomorrow. Time for sweetdreams tonight I guess. Its been a long and interesting day. Yeah.

~Indulge in meaningless fun?~

consolidation

~To blog in peace is a bliss~

Its never the big events going on in the world that really sets one thinking. A million thing goes through our mind everyday. A thousand changes occur in our familiar surroundings. A hundred thing thats close to our hearts. Things to ponder over, things to worry about and things that make our day. Thats what makes us sit down in a quiet corner of our room and think. Insignificant, unrelated ocurence that sets our mind rolling.Thats the beauty of reflection

Took a short walk down memory lane. Saw how I have been like in recent months. I didn't see a very impressive representation of me in my memories. Not like old times. I am not one of those high flyers. But I do have moments when I felt triumphant with a sense of pride. Moments when I saw what I achieve and felt like I could achieve just anything. I remember my A-Levels. I remember National Ten-pin. I remember graduation parade. This little notes of victories, I still have with me.

But these days, well these days, I am getting kinda dull. Like a piece of armour has lost its lustre. Yet I recognise the reason behind it. I haven't been polishing up on my life. Been enthusiastic with things I enjoy, thats true. But what you enjoy may not really be of value isn't it. For the past mile down this one way lane, I saw Kelvin doing things bluntly. There is a lack of objectivity which I used to take pride in. I won't say I am losing sight on my goals but it seems I am drifting away in enjoyment. I am just not accustomed to the fact that I am allowing myself to erode off into the river and go with the flow. Still, I like to be in control of what I am doing. So much for learning to follow the heart and not the mind, I am still far from it I guess. I still remember whose the first person who showed me the differentiation. It kinda struck me then. I have come to recognise it but haven't manage to get in tune with it. Maybe such things take a longer time.

One life. Live it. Thats my dogma. But now, with me drifting much away from the ladder I have been hanging on to for so long as I have had dreams; I am beginning to wonder if I would ever accomplish that which I have set out to achieve. Lofty my ambitions are. Not just goals of life but ambitious dreams that still drives me deep within. But I don't see myself doing anything constructive and productive of late. Just plainly enjoying the spoils of NS. Yes its just 2 years. Infact one more year to go. I would probably be back on track by then. What worries me is, infact, the opportunities that I might actually be missing out. I am afraid I did miss out on certain things which are pivotal in my life. Scholarship for one. Its not a setback for me, but its a stain reminding me of what I might be missing out. On the contrary, it might be hiding what I may stand to gain. This, I can only unveil when the time comes.

I haven't let go of my beliefs. That I forge my life the way I want it; that exploring alternative pathways to one's goal is added opportunity for unexpected bonus in life. I remember telling Wong that people like us really have nothing to worry in life. No matter how bad the turn gets. The dice will still roll a path of no worries for us. We will eventually get a job, buy a car, buy a house, get married. Almost without question. How high to reach, it depends on how hard we fight and how we grab opportunities that come by.

Wonder why I have been feeling old. Irony is, I have been telling that to people who are older than me. 19? Almost a third of my life has elasped. What have I missed. What have I to achieve in time. Fate will not decide. My hands will. Ask me what inspires me? Its the ten different dreams I have for myself and the one life that I have to not miss anything out. My name is Kelvin.

overcasted

Friday afternoon, rare chance to be in a mood to blog. Even more rare is it for me to be at home. Went to get aNOther date for my Final Theory cos I failed the first time round...hmm how can I possibly fail such a thing....wonder wonder. Kao!! Saw ah Goh at BBDC haha what a coincidence. Then accidentally said bye to him when he wanted to ask me something...oops how paiseh.

Came home and saw siow ween online so was talking with her. And then to my great horror, its friday. Meaning post office is open. And that means i almost forgot again. Almost because I decided to rush to the post office cos its 20 mins to closing time. So i was walking to westmall and thinking, then I stop in my tracks. Should I just wait for her to come back and then give it to her.But its July, long way to go. What if it never reaches her, by mail...hmmm....now I am back, nothing done. *Knock head* Well I still got monday.

Off from a slack but shag week. Been lo-boing the start of the week. But combat team proficiency test was xiong. The sun was scorching hot. Imagine having a CVC helmet clasped to your head the entire day under the hot sun, listen to radio nice. Gosh, thats hell of a terrible feeling I had to endure then. Plus, don't don't ever think that being a VC is slack cos until everyone else, you don't get to rest, you don't get to sit and most of the time, water supply is short-well its a hazzle to go all the way to top up your water. Plus plus: You got to man the radio while you sleep standing in the deep of the night, meaning-CVC helmet on.Arrgg!!!!! I gather I had around 2 attempts at one hour sleeps that day Went for vehicle night navi, which wasn't very fun for me cos I have been to the places before.HAHA. Well, its really quite dangerous to even convoy at night, open hatch lights on. Hmm...maybe thats because I keep dosing off. And I did get that dejavu feeling. Dosing off range from 15 to 30 secs. If you successfully dose off for one minute, that would be a miracle. Chances are, falling into a ditch didn't wake you up.The creepy thing is, I saw myself going pass places like kilo gate. Then I wake up, with the oh no feeling of realising I have just dosed off. The next thing I see, Kilo gate starts to come into view. Creepy isn't it, seeing the terrain in your dreams prior to reaching them in real life.Grrps. Wonder what will happen if I see a overturning in my dreams. Gosh!

Talk about all the vehicle movement, I think 34 is turning out to be a career bitch really. Boss around quite often you know. Sometimes she just moves out without telling anyone, and she never evers says where we are headed. Break Contact and thats it. Gosh. Damn paiseh. I had to keep radioing to everyone where to go. Sounds like I holland!? Neh. Was having problem with the radio, can't make out where we suppossed to go. End up going to various places looking for them instead. Good thing I know the roads rather well. Throw me anywhere and I can go anywhere else without the map. Heng. If not I sure gone case. Well thanks to PS always familiarising me with the roads. And of cos, all the secret foot navex around area D.

Well, all good-xiong-things must come to an end no matter how fun they are. And so its back to camp for me on thurs morning. Rushed through cleaning my 40 and 50 alone cos afterall I am the one using it. Got my section to send in all the arms before anyone else. Haha. And they all go back to bunk together. I wonder why people like to bathe the first thing they go back to camp. Sounds damn stupid to me. And I don't really like it when people say I garang because I do things differently. Just that in my perspective the way I do things or, with more pride, the way I think makes more sense. Bathe already all clean, then clean arms all dirty, oily and sticky again. Yucks.

Statement to all: I am not, repeat, not garang if you ever think I am. I just enjoy doing the things I do.

Bleah!

Tequila metamorph

Recipe

3/4 part tequila
1 part pineapple juice
1 spalsh orange syrup
1/2 tbsp icing sugar
shake in ice

Beyond words. Just try it. Its good.

morning wasn't good. hangover of mood from last night. But the day went on in recovery. Thanks to watching swordfish and play black hawk down I guess? Lao bu off working, so it was an afternoon of peace for me. Went for driving lesson shortly after. Did parallel parking.Hmm...I wonder if everyone does parking on the second lesson. I guess I was driving better today? The half sian mood was giving me the don't think just drive attitude. But still I got a number of horns from people cos I was slow at the junctions. Eh....dude...can't you see the L plate, horn what horn.

Then inspire by mr wong, I went to shop for ingredients. Bought pineapple juice, cranberry juice, guava juice, tonic water but missed out on soda water and coca cola. Nvm. Save that for next weekend. And so now I am enjoying my drink and some tid-bits. Book in timing is tomorrow but I guess I will head for camp later so I can sleep all I want tomorrow morning. Haha.

Yesterday...well...yesterday. I watch ghost in the shell and band of brothers. Then head off to town in the eveing. Going downtown in the eveings instead of early afternoon somehow makes the day seems longer cos I get alot of time for solitude at home. Wanted to buy comics from kino but thought I better not. As planned, I went to shop for my elder sisters birthday present ad bought a t-shirt for her. Hope I like it. Somehow everytime I shop I end up shopping for myself. But the desire to save got the better of me.Yeah. Then I went to x-factory. Been wanting to buy some accessories from there for some time so was quite happy. Haha. Reuben is gonna be rather shock to find what I bought.

So I guess i will be going down to town next weekend to get my comic? And do sopme shopping for clothes. Yeah.

Sunday again

Woke up to an unwilling morning. I guess its true. Sleep with unhappiness and you wake up with unhappiness. I tossed around in my comfy bed thinking about the events of yesterday. Till now, rain haven't said a word. Guess she's angry. Still I can only go this far with my apology. Mr wong is right. At times, I really sound like a bastard. Guai Lan in layman's term. Guess thats how I have been shaped this days. Thats how I talk and react to whatever I don't deem fit. I remember how she told me that every conversation with keat only end up in quarrels. Damn it. I failed to see how I must have been pissing her off with my words.Seems like I am just insensitive when it comes to her. Wonder how she feels everytime I act like a bugger-stir thing up out of nowhere.Haiz....Does distance really play dirty tricks upon bonds that took so long to forge.Or am I just unable to adapt. Whatever it is, I believe I haven't been very nice to her since she left. What can I do. Words can only do this much of magic.

But she's the least of my worries. At times I wonder. All these doesn't mean anything. So what if you spend 10 20 years forging a strong bond, of common understanding and acceptance. When, at the end of the day it can still end up in a mess like the case of mdm chan lai chun. Its sick. And with much truth, I know I have friends whom I can easily confide in. But I choose not to do so. A matter of ego-male supremacy and imagery anti-weakness to portray? Or simply, that I see no point residing in anyone-because it doesn't help. And above all, these boils down to one thing-willowing in self-pity. Somthing I despise. Reality check please. Happily ever-after is just for fairy tales. Or at least it is the case for me. Look at all this hell thats burning up my HOME. One person is all it takes to mess things up. And I would admit. I share certain characteristics of this whom I despise. Classic example of stirring up trouble out of nothing-as demostrated last night. Who am I to condemn this person when I am much the same.

Its terrible how one bad thing leads to another. And there is this devil in me telling me to ignore the whole damn situation. Admist mutiple messed up situations, I have this strong urge to just treat all this with vulgar nonchalence. I don't mind if I can't get a scholarship and fulfill my dreams. I don't care if I can't make a name for myself in my lifetime. I just wanna get a job, buy a car, buy a house get married, have childrens. Wait-now I am beggining to think twice about a family. But still. I just want to lead a simple life. I just want to be bud off from this thorny stem on which I grew up. I just want to get out of this hell. But what about my sisters? And now you ask me why I never believe in GOD? Ha. Well I do see how people find peace and reside in their religion. Get real. I was born in hell, no woder the devil knocks on my door. Because I wasn't born in a cradle surrounded by angels and beautiful white clouds. Because what I first saw, was the arms of a woman around me. And there lying within the cracks of hell, is a new born a year younger than me. And now you start to think that it was heaven I was born in? No. My life isn't just about me. There are people whom I was born to love. And even if I was in heaven, I saw what was deep within the basement of love. And so i fell,with wings torn, into the abyss where I found my sister. Now I wish to get out of it-with her. Now you know the evil angel thesis-you still won't understand it.

And now you ask me why am I without love. Why, I never ever succeed in loving? Because when it comes down to this, I can never get things right. I would mess up like I always do. Because I was born knowing that even the most innate form of love can be breeched. Why love when love hurts?

~A miser. Am I?~

Try as I might, despite strength or courage, there are still times at which I am fallen. So much of wishing I could be there with you. This time round, I wish you be here for me. You are already distant enough. I don't wanna sink into conflicts with you. Sorry for failing to see us from your eyes.

Dead Angel

His skin grey,eyes bare
Wings spread out, torn and battered
upon the grounds of hell he knell
all the sufferings here he knew

A last arrow, plucked from his wings
memories of the angels that sing
Within the chalice-gift of life
blood he learn to cherish-love
Smeared in red, bows locked
from the tip it dripped

He rises
Wings flapped
Dark angel-his name

Rusty chains, cracked bells
to heaven he's chained
here he is in hell
Angels sing- cantabile

Arrows of rain,
heaven cries
streaks of fears
eve of tears
this life unforgiven
it will end with burn

Archer screams-destruction
Newborn's love
Melochony hope
Time has come, unleash it all

Safely away from the world
In a dream, timeless domain
A child, dreamy eyed,
Mother's mirror, father's pride
I wish I could come back to you
Once again feel the rain
Falling inside me
Cleaning all that I've become

End of love
End of hope
End of time
The rest is silence

voice mail

wah lao eh. start off happily talking with her end up also can screw it up quite badly. haiz.
"You have reach virgin mobile voicemail service"
Oh my!! She's right. I think too much and fail to enjoy her presence.
I don't wanna be a dejavu for you.
And kao, tomorrow sunday, POST office never open!!how many weeks already!!!

Was a not bad day until the night.Dun feel like blogging already.

Victories

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.

~Bloodshed~

Today exposed me to the little victories of everyday life. Was trying to help dexiang with the vehicle and so stayed behind with Ps, jonny, boey and kumar. Wasn't much of a help though because the parts are really beyond repair. Then theres the irritating problem of not being able to tow the vehicle into gedong. Anyway I was running late for my Final Theory test and so i had to go at around 5 while the others stayed to wait for the RCV. Problem was, I had no transport, meaning I had to go back to camp by either cab or bus. I had no money with me but they were rather generous in lending me some funds for a ride back. And so I book out of gedong camp walking the 1 Km route all the way to the main road in a dirty long four that is wet from the rain and stained with grease and dust. There was no cab around and so i tried calling for one. Somehow, they just couldn't give me a cab. That left me with no choice but to take a bus to chua chu kang. Fine. To my rather expected horror, my ezy-link was dry. And so I had to borrow money from some other passenger in a rather pathetic manner. Want cab no cab. Want bus also no money. Dirty boots, dirty uniform. Nothing I would ever book out in.Still, I went back to camp had a good shower and went for my test with plenty of time. Seems like, people do fall into pathetic situations in time ~lang bei~ but still, nothing can cripple a strong heart. Just stay calm, relax and think of ways out. Nothing can stop you. It made me realise how life can be intereting even at low points. Even the worst situation might be a good learning experience. And so now I have my weekend ahead, to my greatest horror, my book in timing is 1330 monday.

Imagine this:
Even before I come home, I get a phone call from my lao bu, shouting at me for hanging up on her because I badly need to conserve my battery. POI: In the above situation, if my phone dies on me...hmm...i will be .... well done.
Coming home, I see an old hag with a face as if everyone owes her something. With a threat to argue with my dad. What the fucking cjb. Shouting at every grand old fuck thing. Complaining about minute things. Troubles she stir up out of no where just to get at people. She complained about a fucking jeans that she bought for my sister, somehow managing to link it to a major rebellious attitude. Scream at me about how my sister and dad have been being very tempremental these days. Whose the one here I wonder. It seems that all she is capable of doing is conjure small problems or even nothing into matters or defiance, serious mental problems, major shifts in attidude and all hell breaks loose. It all springs from nothing. Why is it that a hag at 50 years old thinks much like a toddler at 5, thinking the worst of how people are treating her; failing to ever ever reflect upon herself and how she have err. She just wants the pick a fight and prove her schizophrenic point.
Now you all see my point. All the financial and livelihood independence I have always dreamt of achieving. To break loose from this tragedy. It shaped all of me. Made me learn to save, work, study, forge my own ideologies learn the facts of life the hard way. Army is just a form of escape. It doesn't solve anything. Everything cranks down on me the moment I step foot into the house. And I know, even till the day when I have my own cosy family-wife and children- and house to reside, it will still plague me. Because of my sisters who might never get off her grip.
Seems like I should just forget my plans about happily relaxing at home. I need refuge in my friends' house I guess.

Summer Slam

Summer Slam

1 Part vodka
1 Part Gin
3 parts bitter lemon tonic
1 part orange peach concentrate

Shake in crushed ice

A fizzy summer afternoon thirst quencher thats mild on the alcohol that only lingers as an after taste. Made that yesterday and shared it with Mark much to his delight. Had a rather slack day and achieved most of what I set out to except for the running. Ha.

As fortoday, it was my maiden driving lesson. Good start for a sunday morning. Breaks the monotone of waking up at 11 and then going to town, much as it was for the past weeks. Not difficult to catch up but ain't easy to master I would say. Need much more practice. But for today's lesson, I give...eh 70% clap clap. Came home for an hour of MGS 3 and then studied my advance theory in desperation. Test is next friday, after my summex so I have to finish it by today. Yup and guess what I am doing now?Drinking.

Haven't got the mixing fine tuned yet so I shall not reveal the receipe for pink poison but rest assured, this ain't for the faint of heart because its kinda strong. Hope I don't knock out before i finish with this blog. Anyway plans for today include some gaming, watching band of brothers again, slacking in my personal space and of cos finishing up on my advance theory. Haven't gone out for the whole of this weekend cos I am trying to save up. Guilty conscience I would say, for having over-spent in March.

~Good day

Struggle

This is a struggle. Because my eyes are drooping, my bones feel like they would collapse any moment. I am tired, but I don't know why. Kind of sets the mood for a saturday which I guess will turn out to be a very fruitful one. Here I am, 1250, happily typing away as I look back at the past week.

I remember `rain messaging me sometime this week. Set me to think that its time i talk to her again. I remember admitting to myself that the past 2 weeks of EMCOM with her was really hard to get by. Really? It wasn't an avoidance, just that it dawn on me that saying morning and goodnight everyday is kinda childish. Even foolish. I don't know how she sees it every morning and night. With a smile, with a look of expectation, with nonchalence or a plain blunt look. Maybe I am not sweet or nice here. But all I am hinting here is the uncertainty and yes indeed i am one who is rather afraid of uncertainties between people. Throw me in any vegetation and I will chose the unexplored path, the more dangerous one. But throw me in this situation and I am a young boy who would tug my shirt tightly stand in a corner and not know what to do. I guess I haven't grown up. But hhaha. Well. Thats me. I was quiet for a couple of weeks because I don't have much to say. Simple as that. Minus the good morning and good night, it leaves me with nothing much. Honestly. Aside from ben and wong, I seldom talk to people these days. That day, I thought I owe her an apology and so I said sorry but didn't say why. I couldn't explain. But since she said she's bored, I decided to go online and talk to her. Takeaway:Thats when I wrote my previous blog entry. But even when I went online to talk with her, I found myself stuck. Stuck with nothing more than haha ya ok oh eh. And so I decided I was wasting everybodies' time and went back to bunk. It was almost sudden: I questioned myself why I am feeling all so low. I wasn't sad but I wasn't happy either. I had no reasons not to be happy. And then it came down to this. A resolution that connects with nonchalence and hard hearted don't care attitude. A resolution that I told reuben: Without care for anything, I just want to be happy. Without promises that I never keep, I just want to spread my happiness to her. This ain't a promise because I am never able to keep my promises for her. This is something I wish to achieve. For myelf, for her. And now I look at that little something for her that has been sitting in my room for weeks. Little somethign that took me long to make and even longer for me to send. I guess I broke the surprise here. But who cares.

~Change Mood Change~

We all sat quietly in the lecture room. Pen and paper. OCs map the centre of all our attention. Its the prelude to crunch time: Mission planning. Advance vs Falcon; advance vs Glory, delay. The first one being the one I am most enthusiastic with. For obvious reasons, I will not reveal the plans for the missions here. But all in all, I have never been more excited. On top of that, OC is really quite zai. And I firmly believe that he -like me- is the type who will come up with super unexpected, fuck the doctrine and totally out of the box tactics. COOL. He is really and example to model after. I just can't wait for D-Day. But most importantly, I am having more and more faith in the man already though a recent survey revealed that the man don't really trust our capabilities. Damn. For good reasons. I can really really understand why Ah Goh is so excited. He is the point. Thats where all the action is. And what am I. 32A vc. Reserve platoon reserve section. Aiyo.Must have been stupid of me to have chosen the appointment myself. You know 2A spells much similar to SAIKANG. This reminds me of one of the army advertisment. Ever seen the "leader.soldier.borther." poster? I think they spelt the words wrongly. Its spelt "Slave.Banglah.Enemy" Oh my. But still army is how fun. Oh. I came back yesterday and saw the name "Boon Cheng" in my tagboard. In classic japanese anime, my face would have seen a flash of blue in combination with thunder and lightning. My PC has been reading my blog!!!!But its nice, to know that this will bring us beyong colleagues. HAHA. Imagine him reading me write about him. About how he holland. I would love to see the expression on his face. And so Mr wong said this : "oh fuck" . But its ok, because no matter what I remember the words of 2wo Maran, my sispec PC. I remember him say this in the training shed while saying goodbye to us

"When you go to unit, you will find that your officers might not be as capable as you expect. Some might not even be as capable as you are. Some cannot lead man, some cannot navigate and some don't know how to fight. But remember, they are just like you. They were also once trainees like you. They were also once recruits. Most of them also just commission. The only difference is that they have gone through more and tougher training than you. Who doesn't make mistakes. And when they make mistakes you don't laugh. No you don't laugh and you don't condemn. It doesn't help anyone. You help. Because as specialist you are your officers assistant, it is your job to help them anyway."

Great words I will never forget.

~Change Mood Change~

Went out with memebrs of s26 in an evening of heehee and hahas. Rushed down in cab because I am COS and only get to book out at 730pm. So i managed to sneak into kublai Khan and in theory get to eat for free. ON my way there, I made a mental note not to commit the mistake of always talking about army with the guys. You see, there's nothing wrong with talking about army. Afterall, like wong said, its about sharing your lives with everyone. Just like how the girls will fill you in with the fun of Uni life. The mistake lies in just talking with the guys. But come on, let me diverge from this rather serious tone. It went perfectly well and seeing that Xing Ying and Mel and Ivy are there as well, I took the extra effort to connect with them. Afterall, I was never close with them back in JC and so it was an opportunity for me to forge bonds. The thing is, its amazing. When you look back, you realise that among a class of 20 over people, majority of them only end up as CLASSmates at the end of your JC life. I look at how I became close friends with only a few of them. I missed out on many of them. That I realise on prom night 2003. I remember walking the extra mile to get closer with people like ying hwee yihui mel xingying. Yet its never easy to get involved with each other's lives thats why there are always many levels of friendship. In fact, if anyone notice, the first person I seriously talk to yesterday was? Mel. Towards christmas 2003, I think I talked with her for among one of the first time. What a pity right. And I remember that she was really quite a nice person. The same goes for everyone else. Interesting why I didn't really talk about juan and ween until now? Its kinda simple. Meeting them last them and talking with them wasn't exciting. It was warm. Because I know them well all along. Because we were already kinda close back in JC and the bond carried through all the way till now. To say that they haven't change isn't accurate. I would say that I kept in tune with them, with their changes all the way from the last time I saw them till last night. Talking and giggling at their pace had the feeling of bridging time. As if JC was the day before and time in between has shrunk to a singularity. It was heartwarming to spend time with the two cheeky juan and ween.Heartwarming. Then there is zhicheng and Mok who are really quite similar in the sense that they always sit quiet, listening to our crap. Gotta poke them to really know how they are getting along. And there is weng soon who is the only guy among us who is still a civilian. haha. Really brought us much insight into what university is like for a guy. Never fails to make me excited about University. But haiz. I don't wanna ORD so soon cos I know I will miss all this days. Can I two-time Uni and NS. Haha.

What a long Blog. I am gonna spend the whole saturday at home. Rest for an hour or so. Some time set aside to watch Ghost in the Shell which I just bought. Some time to study for my advance theory:Oh no. And then it seems like good weather to go for some interval training, with cocktails to greet my return. Haha. Life is great.~Miss you gal.

A drizzling start to a week.

Was down with fever early on monday morning. Dragged myself for the Et run which i eventually completed with much effort. It was my common belief that a little bit of sweat will ease those sick feelings a tad. It didn't turn out that way. I felt terrible after the run and spent the remainder of my day, faint, in bed. The headach, bitter mouth, warm temperature and frequent shivers made me feel like sleeping it over. Then it started to pour, adding on to the chill. All in all, it was an experience I don't wanna go through again.

Flashbacks to sunday night...

Came back to camp very early indeed as a form of houdini. A houdini which I know will go on and on. Watched tv and found the show turn left, turn right on channel U. It was much of a laugh. Was talking with a couple of friends that night. Talking about something I have been desperately trying to push to the back of my mind. And I wonder, if its true that I simply care about other people's feelings too much. Such things are hard to say. In an attempt to let self-fishness buy you over, you realise that self-fishness is already inherent in your mindset. I tried to treat the situation with nonchalence, only to realise that nonchalence never comes as an effort. Its like when you try to junk something into the bin, you know that it will overflow someday. And on top of that, you know that its still there, just in the bin.You can't erase it. With that comes postulations, imaginative solutions in an attempt to solve it. But it doesn't help. When its there in the bin, and all you can do is think about ways out, nothing changes. Something I got out of watching 'install'.

~Keep trying to change the way things are. At the end of the day, you look back and see only the amount of time you have wasted. Nothing changes. If there is any chances, its the person himself who has changed, not the situation.~

Is it true that I really can't do anything? I have no answer to that. I can't bring myself to be frank with myself, to be frank with anyone. I simply cannot afford to do that. With time, you realise that there is just so much that you can't help. You realise that as a child you said 'face it and not run away' without understanding that things are never as simple as it is. And I know, I am no longer as hard hearted as I always used to be. Not in this situation.I just can't turn my back to her. I just can't bear to say things I know will cause her to trouble over. I feel restrain, restrained from within-unable to act and speak with a carefree mind.I wish it was never this way. But isn't it murphie's law that whatever bad will happen will happen. Or will I be hard hearted in weakness one day to let it out and care only for my own well-being.

~You know it will hurt you eventually, yet you dwell further and further into it~

I was never a kind soul to start with, why is this so difficult now.

End of day, Beginning of night

Evil Angel's Thesis

Prelude: Devil's Lullaby

Close your eyes now go to hell
Try to think of your sorrow
All of us, say farewell
As she's switching off her light

One more hug,
one more smile
Curse her once
and curse her twice
We'll be here, for awhile
Till you sleep and go to hell.

lala~ lala~

Thy Mourn

Our mother in hell
devil be my name
your time has come
our will be done
on earth as in hell
Give us this day our daily bread;
forgive us our sin
as we forgive thou who sin against us;
that which lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
Amen

Deed comes full circle

In your death we sing,
forgive us our sins.
Like childrens we smile,
in this twilight hour-

By your carcass I weep
in time I will see
Upon the devil's whip
in hell's deepest abyss
The curse is now upon me
and forever I will be
trap in this void
darkness, you and me.

There's blood in your eyes,
stain in my hand.
Sent you from earth to hell-deliverence
Now in death,
we share a common lair-devils lair

Child's prayers

Dear mama, I love you so
I love my sisters more
Please 'o
Guide me sacred one
what must I do,
just this once
I'll do anything
to protect my sisters my loved ones

Retreat

Here I am in this little retreat of mine, feeling vexed and irritated. Unhappy, about people. Here I am lamenting because there is nothing much I can do.A woman almost 50, with poor social skills, with a bad mentality and unacceptable character. There she is, a fifty year old bark brought up amongst ill circumstances. Without parents to bring her up on the right track. And now here she is, a helpless soul, rejected by many, hated by some. Even her child do not love her. It wasn't her fault to start with. Nor is it anyone's fault that her parents are but wrecked and uneducated creatures. When such feelings of agony becomes too strong and beyond what ears can accomodate, my words reside here only in this passage. A statement of discredit. An expression of brewing hatred.How far will this go down in the network of ancestory. For even before the day comes when she sees black, here I wish she never existed. Because every moment here strikes me as a form of agony beyond tolerance. Yet in this paradox, thy existence lives upon the fact that she once had me cuddled in her womb for nine months.Will this ever be justified? This is me, thy solemn one, whose soul reeks of her. For the blood that drained through her to me will always run in this physique of mine for as long as I am here.

And there is my fucking map. Lying somewhere in the training ground. Its edges buried with soil, its face clean from the recent rain. The plastic that covers it protects it, and remembers the hands that once touched it and made it the way it is now. Why did I ever decide to lend nicholas my map? Why does marc yoong have to borrow my fucking beloved map. Why platoon sergeat ownself no map? Why put my map on the vehicle when its moving. Why no brains. Why is my fucking map gone. Replacing it is a futile attempt. I may get a new map. But the map that I lost...no marc lost....will still be lying there on the road. Who knows on whose hand it will eventually end up. It won't change a thing. I am so so du lan. Why some people cannot take care of other people's belongings. Is it because it isn't theirs? Haiz. I feel so vexed over such a small issue. Is it the map? No. Its the small issue of someone else losing your stuff. It never feels good.This is me, a peevish stubborn child, who would cleanch his fist in the face of anger. BUt what can I do then to suck my thumb and get myself a new map, swallowing the unhappiness...tat. Damn it.

Creation

Came home after movie for a little drink after abstaining for a couple of weeks. I didn't have much drinks to make a good mix so I came up with my own mixtures.

Ice Rumon
1 part rum(I used barcardi)
1 part lemon concentrate
5-6 ice cubes

Mix rum with ice and then slowly added the lemon concentrate, making it homogeneous. Stir till ice half melts. Resulting drink is a tad on the dry side due to the lemon. Slightly bitter and soft on the taste of rum.
Nothing much for the day cos i blogged in the afternoon already. Its time for a good night sleep.

Tired

I am kinda tired. Woke up to a wet saturday morning. Been raining ever since my senses regain from a good and early night. Slept really early last night and did not blog as usual because my mom was on the computer. Anyway, it was wild wild wet for me yesterday. Played a little, swam a tad. Not really a fun place but the crowd made it a rather enjoyable experience. Its not everyday that I get to stick around with all my man just to play. So it was quite fun, especially when I goy dunk into the water. Splash!
Friday began with IPPT in mind. I wasn't confident because of the recent fever and my nose which was still in a rather bad state. Got 5 points for the stations as usual, and went it came to 2.4, I followed the crowd and cut all the grasses. Managed a timing of 938 to my amazement. The entire test was void cos of all the grass cutting but lets skip that part all together. In other words I should be managing a 10 flat timing I guess. Will be going for some intensive interval training next week to fight for my GOLD. Yeah.With my new found confidence, it should be a breeze.
An afternoon spent at wild wild wet, we went to watch House Of Fury at TM.Its quite a commendable movie, with hightly impressive fight scences with a rather simple yet interesting story line. The family aspect of the movie related quite well to my situation so I found a heart warming element in the movie. Well Gillian is really chio!!!!
Took an hour train ride journey to the west. Was listening to my mp3s when I got reminded of something. Anyway, I made up my mind not to spill too much of my emotional world into this tiny space here so I shall skip that all together. Will be going to beach road to get my coverall done up. The rest of the weekend should see me studying at home and spending time with my sisters rather than spending money. So hee. For this saturday afternoon blog, a song to end it.

I can't remember the last time that we kissed goodbye

All our "I love you's" were just not enough to survive

Something your eyes never told me

But it's only now too plain to see

Brilliant disguise when you hold me And I'm free

I've been thinking and here's what I've come to conclude

Sometimes the distance is more than two people can use

But how could I have known girl

It was time and not space you would need

Darling tonight I could hold you and you would know

But would you believe

There's a light in your eyes that I used to see

There's a place in your heart where I used to be

Was I wrong to assume that you were waiting for me

There's a light in your eyes

Did you leave that light burning for me

Cards and phone calls and photograph pictures of you

Constant reminder of all the things you get used to

Is there a chance in hell or heaven

That there's still something here to build on

Or do you just pick up the pieces after they fall

But after all There's a light in your eyes that I used to see

And a song in the words that you spoke to me

Was I wrong to believe in your melody

There's a light in your eyes

Did you leave that light burning for me

Should I keep on waiting or does love keep on fading away

Fading away...

It's been a while since

I've seen you so how have you been

Did you get my letter I wrote you, but I did not send

I tried to call your old number But the voice that I heard on the phone

I recognized but she told me the number was wrong

There's a light in my eyes but it's too bright to see

And a pain in my heart where you used to be

Guess I was wrong to assume that you were waiting here for me

There's a light in your eyes

Did you leave that light burning for me